Part 22: Altoona

I woke up and showered. After consulting Google Maps, I was on my way east to State College on US 22. I had a ticket to see the Penn State Nittany Lions play the Michigan State Spartans. Two and a half hours later I arrived in Happy Valley amidst a traffic jam. With the snow on the ground, all of the tailgating fields were closed. I found parking in a parking garage and humped it two miles to Beaver Stadium.

I sat about twenty-two rows up behind the Spartans’ sideline. Then entire stadium was wet with snow and slush. I froze and could not feel my toes by the end of the game. The Spartans ended up retaining the Land Grant Trophy, giving the Nittany Lions a 34-10 beat down on Senior Day in State College.

On the way back to my rental car, I stopped at the Taco Bell on College Avenue for a late lunch or early dinner to eat amongst the Penn State students. Despite the winter clothing, it was evident the 18-to-22-year-old coeds had bangin’ bodies. I almost wished I could go back in time and be a college student again and sample that tang.

All worked up, I decided I needed to sample some of central Pennsylvania’s adult entertainment. I drove to Altoona and found Club Coconuts, a strip club with a goofy tropical island theme to it, just as it was opening up. The club had two different rooms with two different DJ’s. Two dancers would dance at a time in each room. I noticed the eight dancers all were heavily tattooed. This is in line with what I know about women from Altoona. I met a young squid from Naval Station Great Lakes that was from Altoona. She was addicted to ink to ink as well. At age nineteen, she must have already had nineteen tattoos.

I hit it off with one dancer in particular, Melodie. She was around my age and had a nice figure, what I refer to as Sinclair prototype. Not only was she attractive, but fun to chat with; we had a lot in common. While she could have worked the room for tips while she was on stage, she just performed for me solely. I took her to the VIP room for four dances (the most you are allowed to get consecutively at this club). The VIP rooms had windows cut into the walls, allowing the club to make sure nothing sexual happened. Melodie worked her beautiful ass on me in cowgirl and reverse cowgirl. If I didn’t have jeans on, my spaceship might have blasted off. At the end of four songs, she wanted me to hug her—not once, but twice. I think if I had a reason to stick around A-Town, I would have pursued friends with benefits, if not a relationship. I also took a Goth dancer named Svetlana to the VIP room for four songs. Her grind was horrible. I was struggling to get an erection. She talked incessantly. I joked that I was going to shove my cock in her mouth to shut her up, but the humor was lost on her, and she thought I was serious. I tried to track down Melodie for another set of dances, but could not find her. I was about four beers deep and still had about two hours of driving to get back to my hotel, so I took off.

On the way out of Altoona, I stopped at the Sheetz to fill up my gas tank and order a nice hot Philly Cheese Steak. A few of the guys who were at the titty bar also happened to be at Sheetz. I guess there is not much to do in Altoona. On a Saturday night, you go to the only strip club in town, and then grab some grub at Sheetz.

I was too tired to make it all the way back to the Holiday Inn, so I pulled off into the Wal-Mart parking lot in Blairsville to take a nap. A few hours later, I woke up and made it the rest of the way to Monroeville as daylight was breaking. I got a few more hours of sleep and then departed for the airport. The total duration of the weekend trip was just over thirty-six hours.

Beaver Stadium, Pennsylvania State University

Part 21: Pittsburgh

I still had unused travel funds on Southwest Airlines that were expiring in less than a week, so I decided to make a visit to Pennsylvania for the weekend in a last ditch effort to make use of the funds.

I got out of work around 5:30pm, and then headed to Midway Airport for an evening flight to Pittsburgh. The flight was an uneventful hour and twenty minutes. I landed, picked up my bags, picked up a rice burner, and started the drive to the east side of Pittsburgh from the airport, which is a ways west of town. I am very familiar with the Pittsburgh area. Back in 2010, my job flew me out there about a half dozen times to work an assignment. Two tunnels and forty-five minutes later, I pulled into the Holiday Inn in Monroeville and redeemed reward points for two free nights. Angel at the front desk was looking fine as hell.

I took my bags up to the room and took a quick shower. I scanned TUSCL for the nearest adult entertainment option. I was running out of time because I had lost an hour crossing time zones, and the 2am closing time was quickly bearing down. I got lost several times trying to find McKeesport, Pennsylvania. The steel town looked like it had seen better days. I finally found Beemer’s Gentlemen’s Club about midnight. I only had two hours to work with.

After paying a $5 cover, I sat at the bar and ordered an Iron City. The bartender gave me a High Life. I didn’t complain because I just needed a beer after a hard week. After killing the first beer, I asked for another Iron City. The bartender at that point realized that she gave me the wrong type of beer the first time, so the second beer (this time it was an actual Iron City) was on the house. This might have been the first time I ever got a free drink in a strip club. I went to the stage next to take in the talent. For just a dollar tip, the dancers on stage gave you a good gyno close-up. After a while, I realized that most of the dancers were either too old or too thick for me. I had narrowed down my targets to just two dancers: a mixed dancer and a thin blonde dancer.

I went for the mixed dancer who was sitting alone. She had a lot of piercings, including one in each of her cheeks. It was no surprise that her stage name was Dimples. I was feeling pretty horny, as I had worked my ass off the last two weeks and had not seen a naked woman since I was in College Park. I went back for a couple lap dances in a non-private area. They were decent. I dialed up a fifteen minute VIP room session for $90. The VIP rooms were done in little divided rooms with curtains over the entrances. I was hoping for something a little better than a standard lap dance, but there was no difference between the public area and private area in terms of service, at least with Dimples. That is when I saw the name “William” tattooed on Dimples. Obviously, she was married or in a relationship. I wish I would have noticed this earlier because over the years I have noticed dancers that have their pimp/significant other’s name tattooed on them, usually save their kink for their man, not a customer like me.

After a wasted fifteen minutes of my life, two o’clock was quickly approaching. I got another beer before last call. When closing time came, the club didn’t kick people out. They let the remaining customers loiter and finish their drinks. Heck, all of the dancers were dressed and out the front door before I was.

I was really hungry and thirsty for a non-alcoholic beverage at this point in the night. I stopped at Speedway to grab a few Cokes, Grandma’s Cookies, and a bag of Fritos Flavor Twists. I consumed my mini mart feast on the way back to the hotel to fight my buzz.

Arch: a transformer made out of the various bridges of Pittsburgh.

Part 20: Baltimore

I woke and took a shower. I had not eaten since I was in Chicago, so my first mission for the day was to find some food. I hopped into my Chrysler and took I-95 north towards Baltimore. After getting lost briefly, I found myself in a little forested valley with a stream on Dogwood Road. I headed to the Millstream Inn.

The Millstream Inn is a laidback strip club that is almost like a restaurant. I entered and found beer to be two-for-one on Saturday afternoon. This strip club had probably the largest and most detailed food menu I have ever seen. A lot of strip clubs will serve food to keep patrons from leaving to get it. At the Millstream Inn, the food offering was almost as much of a pull as the half naked women. After viewing a flashlight menu, I ordered two entrees: the cheese quesadilla and the XXX pepperoni cheese bread. The dancers looked hot, but when most came up close to pitch what they were selling, they were not too good looking. I’d say they were mostly in their thirties. Dayshift usually sucks everywhere though. One thing I must say is that the bartenders here were knockouts. One, Alyssa, I think, was easily the hottest female in the club. After filling my stomach, it was time for desert…in the form of a half naked woman in my lap. I selected the best-looking dancer on the dayshift, a redhead by the name of Autumn. Lap dances here cost $30 each, but I was able to get two for the price of one because of the Saturday afternoon two-for-one sale. I was able to feel up Autumn’s soft ass and palm her handful tits. I ended up doing four dances for a total of $60. I’d say they were a good value at $15 each, but would be a horrible value at $30 each. There were VIP rooms with curtains not far from where I got my dances. I asked Autumn what more could be done in the VIP rooms. She told me customers could touch the dancers in the VIP rooms. I wasn’t actually supposed to feel her up in the regular lap dance area even though she let me.

It was now getting close to 4pm so I jumped into my car and headed back towards Washington. I had a ticket to see the Maryland Terrapins play the Michigan State Spartans. Traffic on US 1 was mess and parking was hard to find. I found a Baptist church that was selling space in its lot for $15 per car. I pulled up ready to pay my fee. A girl told me to pull up and pay the next girl. When I pulled up to the second girl, she waved me by, never asking for $15. I ended up parking for free. I got free parking twice this weekend. Boom!

I sat in the upper deck for about four hours and could not feel my toes by the end of the game. The Spartans ended up beating the Terrapins 37-15. Maryland had its players and fans dress in black for a Black Out, but by the end of the game, the only people left in the stadium were wearing green.

After the game, I did not want to go back to the hotel, so I decided to head over to the Showcase Theater in Beltsville. The club is located off the Old Baltimore Pike in an industrial area. It was a little shady with people hanging out in their cars in the parking lot. After paying an Andrew Jackson cover, I learned that the club had no bar. Patrons would get red Solo cups inside the club and run out throughout their stay to fill them with liquor they kept in their cars. Basically the Showcase Theater was BYOB, but you couldn’t store the booze inside the club. I had never seen a setup like this before. I guess if you are a heavy drinker, this system could keep your costs down. The club did sell mixers like cans of Red Bull, Coke, and Pepsi.

The club was not much to look at. There was a stage on one side with lots of tables and chairs covering the rest of the room. When I got there, every chair was taken, so I sat at the line of couches running parallel to the long stage. Dancers would get fully nude on stage and come off and give the guys sitting on the stage side couches mini lap dances. It was an excellent value for just a dollar or two. Dancers comprised of all races, but every one of them had a large ass proportional to their frame. A white dancer named Morgan took a liking to me. During her set on stage, she kept teasing me by jumping off the stage and grinding on me. Yeah, I was tipping well, but there were other guys right next to me waving money at her, and she ignored them for three songs. Morgan was a freak, and I needed to get dances from her. Unfortunately she disappeared for about two hours after that.

I took in the rest of the line-up and talked with three Michigan State guys that were at the club. They had been at the club the night before as well and really liked the spot. By then it was after 2am and Morgan came out from the back, got me, and took me into an alcove for some lap dances on a couch. I did several hot lap dances with her that included a lot of mutual groping. Afterwards, we sat and talked. Even though I told her that I was not from the area and was flying home Sunday (and it was already Sunday), she wanted my number. I put my Google Voice number into her phone. She then called me so I’d have her number. I am not sure if she was hinting that she wanted to come back to my hotel room that night or if she just wanted someone to text with. By then it was 3am or so in the morning and I was tired. The crowd was dying out and dancers were going home. I learned that the three middle-aged MSU fans that I was talking with earlier in the club were staying at the same hotel as me and were waiting for a taxi. I offered them a ride back to the Holiday Inn in my rental car.

“So do you guys go to all of Michigan State’s away games?” I asked.

“No, but the three of us get together for one away game per year and have a ‘guy weekend’,” Tom said.

I had noticed that all three were partaking in the private VIP rooms throughout the night. It seemed like anything could happen back there with the right stripper.

I asked, “Do you guys have wives back in Michigan?”

“Yeah, all of us are married,” Brian replied chuckling. I then exclaimed, “Hey, what happens in Maryland, stays in Maryland.”

Byrd Stadium, University of Maryland

Part 19: Baltimore

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.