Part 24: East Brunswick

I woke up and walked across the street to the Wawa where I ordered a beef cheesesteak hoagie and a large Dr. Pepper. After eating in the parking lot, I went back to the hotel to get some work done on the computer and watched some college football on the television.

Around four o’clock, I jumped into the traffic jam on NJ 18, snaking into New Brunswick. I parked my rental in a parking garage downtown and found the shuttle bus to High Point Solutions Stadium for the game between the Rutgers Scarlet Knights and the Michigan State Spartans. I did not buy a ticket ahead of time, and was worried I would not get into the stadium since a scalper scene was nonexistent. Luckily, I found a ticket booth and bought a ticket at face value two hours before kickoff.

I sat in the front row of the upper deck. Being early October, the weather even at night was still manageable in short sleeves. People on this part of the East Coast have a reputation for being assholes, s what surprised me was how friendly the local fans were. The Spartans won 31-24 in a close game to remain undefeated.

After the game, I could not find the shuttle that had brought me to the stadium, so I ended up walking about two miles in the dark back to where I parked my car in New Brunswick. I wanted to hit some college bars to see what the Rutgers coeds looked like, but I was so tired and had to be at the airport in Newark in a few hours. I usually ignore my better judgment, but for once I obeyed it. When I got back to the hotel, I walked across the street to the Wawa I had eaten lunch at to get a hot sandwich and a large Dr. Pepper, heavy on the ice. There were a lot of fans from the game in there with the same idea. After eating, I passed out on my bed for a few hours, before waking up and driving north to Newark Liberty International Airport. I had been in New Jersey less than thirty-six hours.

High Point Solutions Stadium, Rutgers University

Part 23: East Brunswick

I had been working like crazy the past few months, so I decided to make a weekend trip to New Jersey to enjoy some drinking, womanizing, and football.

I got out of work early, around noon, and headed to Midway Airport. The Southwest Airlines flight was supposed to depart around 14:30, but rainy weather delayed the flight. Eventually, we boarded the plane and sat over an hour before taking off due to bad storms in New Jersey. I was supposed to be in Newark by 17:30, but arrived three hours late due to the delays. It took me another hour to drive my Chevrolet Malibu rental down the New Jersey Turnpike to my hotel, the Comfort Suites.

After a late dinner at a Burger King, a hamburger on a black bun (special for Halloween), I decided to go looking for some trouble. If I had gotten into town sooner, I would have tried to have found a boardwalk. Since it was late, I was going to settle for a bar. Driving up NJ 35, I saw the large neon lights of Club XXXV, so I decided to check it out.

I was charged $5 to park in a gravel parking lot. When I was extensively searched for weapons at the entrance by a dude that looked like Danny Trejo, I knew this club was going to be ghetto. After a $25 cover due to the club being BYOB, I made it into the club. My admission included a free drink, so I gave the drink ticket to a waitress and told her to get me a Coke. She comes back and tries to charge me $5.

I tell her, “I gave you my drink ticket just a minute ago.” I knew she was trying to play dumb and hustle me.

She gives me a blank stare. I give her a single just so she will go away.

So I had spent $31, and there is absolutely nowhere to sit. The club was packed mostly with young thugs trying to act like they are in a hip hop video. The dancers are mostly Hispanic, black, and Eastern European. The few odd white dancers appear to be Italians from Staten Island.

After standing awkwardly for ten minutes, I chat with a dancer named Coco. She has big fake tits and an ass to match. She is the type of dancer Papi Chulo from TUSCL would lust over. She tried to tell me lap dances cost $30 when they were actually $20, so I corrected her. Since the lap dance area was just a claustrophobic narrow corridor, I opted for the $125 VIP room by the second song. Once the curtain is closed, Coco pulls my jeans down and worships my pork sword. After briefly lap dancing, she puts a jimmy on and takes me in her mouth. She knows what she is doing, and moments later I release what I can no longer hold back.

I take off and head north towards Perth Amboy, but pull off at The Den, just before reaching the bridge over the Raritan. I almost walked in without paying the cover because the door attendant was no paying attention. The club does not serve alcohol, so I ordered a Coke. The big butt Boricua bartender didn’t charge me for my drink, nor the numerous times I asked for a refill. I am not sure if this is standard or she was cutting me a break. She was charging other guys $5 for Costco bottled water. I watched the show at The Den for an hour, but was not overly impressed. The few dancers that I might have gotten a dance from were on lockdown with regulars.

I was insanely tired by this point, having been awake about twenty-one hours. I decided to call it a night and head back to my hotel.

Dancer from Club XXXV

Part 22: Altoona

I woke up and showered. After consulting Google Maps, I was on my way east to State College on US 22. I had a ticket to see the Penn State Nittany Lions play the Michigan State Spartans. Two and a half hours later I arrived in Happy Valley amidst a traffic jam. With the snow on the ground, all of the tailgating fields were closed. I found parking in a parking garage and humped it two miles to Beaver Stadium.

I sat about twenty-two rows up behind the Spartans’ sideline. Then entire stadium was wet with snow and slush. I froze and could not feel my toes by the end of the game. The Spartans ended up retaining the Land Grant Trophy, giving the Nittany Lions a 34-10 beat down on Senior Day in State College.

On the way back to my rental car, I stopped at the Taco Bell on College Avenue for a late lunch or early dinner to eat amongst the Penn State students. Despite the winter clothing, it was evident the 18-to-22-year-old coeds had bangin’ bodies. I almost wished I could go back in time and be a college student again and sample that tang.

All worked up, I decided I needed to sample some of central Pennsylvania’s adult entertainment. I drove to Altoona and found Club Coconuts, a strip club with a goofy tropical island theme to it, just as it was opening up. The club had two different rooms with two different DJ’s. Two dancers would dance at a time in each room. I noticed the eight dancers all were heavily tattooed. This is in line with what I know about women from Altoona. I met a young squid from Naval Station Great Lakes that was from Altoona. She was addicted to ink to ink as well. At age nineteen, she must have already had nineteen tattoos.

I hit it off with one dancer in particular, Melodie. She was around my age and had a nice figure, what I refer to as Sinclair prototype. Not only was she attractive, but fun to chat with; we had a lot in common. While she could have worked the room for tips while she was on stage, she just performed for me solely. I took her to the VIP room for four dances (the most you are allowed to get consecutively at this club). The VIP rooms had windows cut into the walls, allowing the club to make sure nothing sexual happened. Melodie worked her beautiful ass on me in cowgirl and reverse cowgirl. If I didn’t have jeans on, my spaceship might have blasted off. At the end of four songs, she wanted me to hug her—not once, but twice. I think if I had a reason to stick around A-Town, I would have pursued friends with benefits, if not a relationship. I also took a Goth dancer named Svetlana to the VIP room for four songs. Her grind was horrible. I was struggling to get an erection. She talked incessantly. I joked that I was going to shove my cock in her mouth to shut her up, but the humor was lost on her, and she thought I was serious. I tried to track down Melodie for another set of dances, but could not find her. I was about four beers deep and still had about two hours of driving to get back to my hotel, so I took off.

On the way out of Altoona, I stopped at the Sheetz to fill up my gas tank and order a nice hot Philly Cheese Steak. A few of the guys who were at the titty bar also happened to be at Sheetz. I guess there is not much to do in Altoona. On a Saturday night, you go to the only strip club in town, and then grab some grub at Sheetz.

I was too tired to make it all the way back to the Holiday Inn, so I pulled off into the Wal-Mart parking lot in Blairsville to take a nap. A few hours later, I woke up and made it the rest of the way to Monroeville as daylight was breaking. I got a few more hours of sleep and then departed for the airport. The total duration of the weekend trip was just over thirty-six hours.

Beaver Stadium, Pennsylvania State University

Part 21: Pittsburgh

I still had unused travel funds on Southwest Airlines that were expiring in less than a week, so I decided to make a visit to Pennsylvania for the weekend in a last ditch effort to make use of the funds.

I got out of work around 5:30pm, and then headed to Midway Airport for an evening flight to Pittsburgh. The flight was an uneventful hour and twenty minutes. I landed, picked up my bags, picked up a rice burner, and started the drive to the east side of Pittsburgh from the airport, which is a ways west of town. I am very familiar with the Pittsburgh area. Back in 2010, my job flew me out there about a half dozen times to work an assignment. Two tunnels and forty-five minutes later, I pulled into the Holiday Inn in Monroeville and redeemed reward points for two free nights. Angel at the front desk was looking fine as hell.

I took my bags up to the room and took a quick shower. I scanned TUSCL for the nearest adult entertainment option. I was running out of time because I had lost an hour crossing time zones, and the 2am closing time was quickly bearing down. I got lost several times trying to find McKeesport, Pennsylvania. The steel town looked like it had seen better days. I finally found Beemer’s Gentlemen’s Club about midnight. I only had two hours to work with.

After paying a $5 cover, I sat at the bar and ordered an Iron City. The bartender gave me a High Life. I didn’t complain because I just needed a beer after a hard week. After killing the first beer, I asked for another Iron City. The bartender at that point realized that she gave me the wrong type of beer the first time, so the second beer (this time it was an actual Iron City) was on the house. This might have been the first time I ever got a free drink in a strip club. I went to the stage next to take in the talent. For just a dollar tip, the dancers on stage gave you a good gyno close-up. After a while, I realized that most of the dancers were either too old or too thick for me. I had narrowed down my targets to just two dancers: a mixed dancer and a thin blonde dancer.

I went for the mixed dancer who was sitting alone. She had a lot of piercings, including one in each of her cheeks. It was no surprise that her stage name was Dimples. I was feeling pretty horny, as I had worked my ass off the last two weeks and had not seen a naked woman since I was in College Park. I went back for a couple lap dances in a non-private area. They were decent. I dialed up a fifteen minute VIP room session for $90. The VIP rooms were done in little divided rooms with curtains over the entrances. I was hoping for something a little better than a standard lap dance, but there was no difference between the public area and private area in terms of service, at least with Dimples. That is when I saw the name “William” tattooed on Dimples. Obviously, she was married or in a relationship. I wish I would have noticed this earlier because over the years I have noticed dancers that have their pimp/significant other’s name tattooed on them, usually save their kink for their man, not a customer like me.

After a wasted fifteen minutes of my life, two o’clock was quickly approaching. I got another beer before last call. When closing time came, the club didn’t kick people out. They let the remaining customers loiter and finish their drinks. Heck, all of the dancers were dressed and out the front door before I was.

I was really hungry and thirsty for a non-alcoholic beverage at this point in the night. I stopped at Speedway to grab a few Cokes, Grandma’s Cookies, and a bag of Fritos Flavor Twists. I consumed my mini mart feast on the way back to the hotel to fight my buzz.

Arch: a transformer made out of the various bridges of Pittsburgh.

Part 20: Baltimore

I woke and took a shower. I had not eaten since I was in Chicago, so my first mission for the day was to find some food. I hopped into my Chrysler and took I-95 north towards Baltimore. After getting lost briefly, I found myself in a little forested valley with a stream on Dogwood Road. I headed to the Millstream Inn.

The Millstream Inn is a laidback strip club that is almost like a restaurant. I entered and found beer to be two-for-one on Saturday afternoon. This strip club had probably the largest and most detailed food menu I have ever seen. A lot of strip clubs will serve food to keep patrons from leaving to get it. At the Millstream Inn, the food offering was almost as much of a pull as the half naked women. After viewing a flashlight menu, I ordered two entrees: the cheese quesadilla and the XXX pepperoni cheese bread. The dancers looked hot, but when most came up close to pitch what they were selling, they were not too good looking. I’d say they were mostly in their thirties. Dayshift usually sucks everywhere though. One thing I must say is that the bartenders here were knockouts. One, Alyssa, I think, was easily the hottest female in the club. After filling my stomach, it was time for desert…in the form of a half naked woman in my lap. I selected the best-looking dancer on the dayshift, a redhead by the name of Autumn. Lap dances here cost $30 each, but I was able to get two for the price of one because of the Saturday afternoon two-for-one sale. I was able to feel up Autumn’s soft ass and palm her handful tits. I ended up doing four dances for a total of $60. I’d say they were a good value at $15 each, but would be a horrible value at $30 each. There were VIP rooms with curtains not far from where I got my dances. I asked Autumn what more could be done in the VIP rooms. She told me customers could touch the dancers in the VIP rooms. I wasn’t actually supposed to feel her up in the regular lap dance area even though she let me.

It was now getting close to 4pm so I jumped into my car and headed back towards Washington. I had a ticket to see the Maryland Terrapins play the Michigan State Spartans. Traffic on US 1 was mess and parking was hard to find. I found a Baptist church that was selling space in its lot for $15 per car. I pulled up ready to pay my fee. A girl told me to pull up and pay the next girl. When I pulled up to the second girl, she waved me by, never asking for $15. I ended up parking for free. I got free parking twice this weekend. Boom!

I sat in the upper deck for about four hours and could not feel my toes by the end of the game. The Spartans ended up beating the Terrapins 37-15. Maryland had its players and fans dress in black for a Black Out, but by the end of the game, the only people left in the stadium were wearing green.

After the game, I did not want to go back to the hotel, so I decided to head over to the Showcase Theater in Beltsville. The club is located off the Old Baltimore Pike in an industrial area. It was a little shady with people hanging out in their cars in the parking lot. After paying an Andrew Jackson cover, I learned that the club had no bar. Patrons would get red Solo cups inside the club and run out throughout their stay to fill them with liquor they kept in their cars. Basically the Showcase Theater was BYOB, but you couldn’t store the booze inside the club. I had never seen a setup like this before. I guess if you are a heavy drinker, this system could keep your costs down. The club did sell mixers like cans of Red Bull, Coke, and Pepsi.

The club was not much to look at. There was a stage on one side with lots of tables and chairs covering the rest of the room. When I got there, every chair was taken, so I sat at the line of couches running parallel to the long stage. Dancers would get fully nude on stage and come off and give the guys sitting on the stage side couches mini lap dances. It was an excellent value for just a dollar or two. Dancers comprised of all races, but every one of them had a large ass proportional to their frame. A white dancer named Morgan took a liking to me. During her set on stage, she kept teasing me by jumping off the stage and grinding on me. Yeah, I was tipping well, but there were other guys right next to me waving money at her, and she ignored them for three songs. Morgan was a freak, and I needed to get dances from her. Unfortunately she disappeared for about two hours after that.

I took in the rest of the line-up and talked with three Michigan State guys that were at the club. They had been at the club the night before as well and really liked the spot. By then it was after 2am and Morgan came out from the back, got me, and took me into an alcove for some lap dances on a couch. I did several hot lap dances with her that included a lot of mutual groping. Afterwards, we sat and talked. Even though I told her that I was not from the area and was flying home Sunday (and it was already Sunday), she wanted my number. I put my Google Voice number into her phone. She then called me so I’d have her number. I am not sure if she was hinting that she wanted to come back to my hotel room that night or if she just wanted someone to text with. By then it was 3am or so in the morning and I was tired. The crowd was dying out and dancers were going home. I learned that the three middle-aged MSU fans that I was talking with earlier in the club were staying at the same hotel as me and were waiting for a taxi. I offered them a ride back to the Holiday Inn in my rental car.

“So do you guys go to all of Michigan State’s away games?” I asked.

“No, but the three of us get together for one away game per year and have a ‘guy weekend’,” Tom said.

I had noticed that all three were partaking in the private VIP rooms throughout the night. It seemed like anything could happen back there with the right stripper.

I asked, “Do you guys have wives back in Michigan?”

“Yeah, all of us are married,” Brian replied chuckling. I then exclaimed, “Hey, what happens in Maryland, stays in Maryland.”

Byrd Stadium, University of Maryland

Part 19: Baltimore

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Part 18: Detroit

I checked out of the hotel that my job was paying for on Saturday morning. I was officially supposed to travel home, but I opted to stay in Detroit another night on my own dime so that I could do some sightseeing.

I went over to the Ford Complex. I had bought tickets for the Ford Factory Tour and the Henry Ford Museum. First I went to the factory tour. You take a bus to the River Rouge Assembly Plant and get to watch workers building the F-150 from the catwalks above. It is quite a site to see: American workers making American cars in America. I don’t think any other carmaker in the world lets the public into one of their assembly plants. I then spent the rest of the afternoon at the Henry Ford Museum. There are lots of classic cars, trains, tractors, airplanes, and other American artifacts on display. Besides the classic cars, my favorite thing to see was the special summer exhibit called “Women Who Rock”. On display were the outfits of Cher, Lady Gaga, Rihanna, Britney Spears, Shakira, Taylor Swift, Joan Jett, and more.

Around 16:30 I left and drove downtown. I was hungry and looking to grab a big dinner. A lot of people in Detroit rave about a barbecue restaurant called Slow’s in Corktown. I decided to check it out. Corktown is an area along Michigan Avenue west of downtown that was originally settled by Irish immigrants from Cork. Nowadays, it is mostly rundown, but there are a few bars and restaurants popping up, and there are some hipsters and yuppies trying to revitalize the area, even though it has a long way to go.

Slow’s is more or less in the middle of the ghetto, but ninety percent or more of the people eating, drinking, or working there were white. Many of them were artists, hipsters, and yuppies. I ordered the Texas-style barbecue brisket and a Bell’s Oberon. The brisket was decent, but I’ve had better. Then again, I am a big fan of barbecue and have eaten it all over the United States. Slow’s was a little pricey and a little overhyped, but I’d still go back there again because the service was excellent and there was good people-watching.

Since I needed somewhere to sleep tonight I booked the Comfort Inn by the airport. I used my Choice Privileges points and didn’t need to pay a cent. I drove over there and checked in. After taking a nap, I washed up and went out to find an ATM around 23:00.

From there I went to the Play House which is located along Middlebelt Road in Romulus, literally right across the road from the airport. It was kind of out by itself in no man’s land, so for the first time this trip I let a valet into my car, which cost me $6. A cover charge set me back another $10. A Bud Light was another $7, and I tipped the bartender $1. So before I even saw a tit, my wallet was $24 lighter.

It was at that point I noticed something wasn’t right. The club only had five customers on a Saturday night! Furthermore, the club only had three dancers working on a Saturday night! All three were a 3 or lower on my rating scale. What is wrong with this club? The physical club was very nice and clean. The staff were very friendly, even the bar back and manager who both kept stopping by to chat with me. When in doubt, consult Google. I learned that this club had been shut down since the summer of 2012 and just reopened February 8th this year.

The only thing worth looking at was the waitress, Johnny. She would get up on stage and dance in the rotation, but she would only strip down to her bra and panties. Too bad she didn’t do private dances, because she was an 8.5.

I ended up spending $33 and stayed the rest of the night. While I had no interest in the dancers, I had a good time joking around with the manager and bar back. Toward the end of the night, a younger crowd came into drink, including a 9 dancer who was celebrating her 22nd birthday. When it was time to close at 02:00, there was no rush to force people out of the club like you see at most bars and clubs fifteen minutes before closing time. I ended up staying until 02:20 and then went back to the hotel.

This is a 1931 Dusenberg Model J, manufactured in Indianapolis, Indiana. Only 481 were built between 1928 and 1935.

This is my dinner from Slow's.

Part 17: Detroit

I completed my final day of work on Friday and packed up all of my gear. I snuck out of work two hours early and spent the rest of the day in Lansing, Michigan before heading back to my hotel in Detroit for the evening. I took a nap until about 23:00, then got showered and headed over to the Toy Chest for the second night in a row.

I self parked once again on a side street to avoid the valet charge. I entered sometime after 24:00 and realized I only had less than two hours to find some action before the club closed. The club was jam packed with patrons and dancers. I ordered a Budweiser and leaned up against the back wall since there were no seats to be had. A few of the same uglies from the other night approached me. Once again, a lot of the hotties were locked down with regulars. It looked like this was going to be another bad night at the Toy Chest.

Eventually a blue-eyed blonde that I would rate an 8 came by the bar and gave me the “Detroit handshake”. She seemed to be buzzed off of the mixed drink that she was holding in her hand. She had nice fake tits and a thirty-eight inch ass. We started flirting. She said she was 27, but I’d guess she was more like 30. Once I told her I was not from the area and staying in a hotel, she insisted we trade phone numbers so she could come to my hotel later. I passed on her offer but told her I would get a couple lap dances from her. We went to the corner of the club where there were small curtained off rooms for private dances. A bouncer assessed a $20 fee to use one of the spaces.

The curtains closed and we were off to the races. I started palming her huge tits like they were sixteen-inch softballs. She started French kissing me. It wasn’t me who initiated it, but I wasn’t going to stop it either. Next, I slid my right hand into her bottoms and started massaging her clit for a minute. Then I reached even farther back and started finger blasting her. A few songs in, she unbuckles my belt and starts stroking my manhood. She reaches into her purse and pulls a condom out and puts it on me, then starts stroking me again with her hand inside the condom with my steeple. I have no clue why she did this, maybe it was because she had too much to drink. When I busted, my baby batter went all over her hand inside the condom and the rest ran down my shaft. There was a mess, and I had no napkins or handkerchief to clean it up.

I paid the dancer and then went to grab my keys and phone from the nightstand, but the dancer grabbed my cell phone before I could and walked off with it, sticking it in her waistband. I am guessing she wanted to put her number in it, but I wasn’t about to lose my phone to a drunk stripper. I chased her through the VIP area.

“Give me my phone back please,” I said.

She replied, “You need to pay me more money because you came in my mouth.” This was untrue.

Eventually, we were near the bouncer whom I had paid $20 to. I told him, “She walked off with my phone,” while pointing to the dancer.

He stopped her and made her give me my phone back. Then he shouted at the dancer, “Go to the dressing room! Now!” Maybe this dancer had a history of getting drunk and acting strange.

I went to the washroom to clean up as best as I could. It was fifteen minutes until closing and the bathroom troll had already departed for the night. I then hightailed it out of the club before any more problems arose. On the way back to the hotel I grabbed some fourth meal from Taco Bell.

This Wood Brothers Ford won the 2011 Daytona 500. The confetti and champagne on the car were from the victory celebration.